7 ways to make friends
(even when you're sober and neurodivergent)
Full disclosure, I have been genuinely struggling to find community for the past several years, so this post is as much for myself as for any of you! Let’s be friends <3
I used to be quite the hostess
I used to love to throw parties. In my late 20s, I lived in Chicago in a co-op with my partner, our dog and 17 other people ranging widely in age from college students to a 65-year-old woman. I spearheaded some of our best gatherings; adult prom, holiday parties, potlucks, all manner of gaming events, and dance parties every month.
When we moved out of the co-op and into a loft-style apartment in Pilsen, I hosted quarterly parties of 20-30 people on our roof deck. Somehow friendship and socializing came easily to me then.
But now, many years later, post-pandemic, and sober, it all feels so much harder! Parties don’t hold the same appeal, meeting and connecting with enough people to fill a roof deck sounds...nearly impossible. And while part of it is that I am a mother now and nine -year-olds don’t allow for as much partying, I don’t think that’s really the issue. Even my friends who don’t have kids are all looking around and asking “where did all my friends go?”
Watching my son with other children is pretty illuminating. Kids play with whoever is there. Period. If they’re about the same age, they will just make it work to the best of their ability. And I think we hold onto that through most of childhood to some degree or another. In High School we are friends with the people who we see daily. We may have our group of people, but those people were probably the people you saw most because you were all in orchestra or art, sports (that's a thing people do, right?), or your parents knew each other. Humans are hardwired to connect to the people around them.
First, find ways to be around other people, repeatedly
Sometime in our 30s, many of us stop just being around as many people. We have our families maybe, some coworkers, but otherwise we are only really connecting online. As someone who works from home, I don’t just bump into people anymore - I have to be intentional about it.
We need that in-person, repeated interaction to create trust, vulnerability, and eventually a bond that we’d call friendship. I’ve realized that it’s less about finding the “right” people as much as it is about creating environments where you see the same people often enough to figure out who you connect with.
Then, you can ask the people you really vibe with to hang out one-on-one.
So, here are some ideas for cultivating these situations.
Host potluck dinner parties in which you insist that everyone just bring whatever is laying around their houses. Buy recycled paper plates to minimize clean-up. Invite your friends to invite someone they’d like to build a connection with to join in.
Act more like children do and play some games. I am a big fan of cooperative games like Dungeons and Dragons and other role-playing games. Shorter, one-evening games like Pandemic, Dresden Files, and Spirit Island are also cooperative and create connections and bonds between the players. Playing games is a wonderful way to get to know other adults in a low-pressure, fun environment. And, it allows for that key element I was talking about, repetitive time together.
Not a fan of gaming? Other activity nights like knitting, crafting, singing, or writing groups can do the same thing. When I moved to Melrose, I was lucky enough to find Follow Your Art, a local community art center that has a writer’s room. The key is to find a way to “keep” the people you like by seeing them often and in increasingly friend-like environments.
Follow Your Art friends Find a spiritual community. Religious communities are built around this very idea of connection and weekly ritual. Many have discussion groups, social justice events, movie nights, camping trips, young adult groups, men’s groups, mediation, yoga, the list goes on and on. And most of these events are free and open to whoever. (Some of them even have free childcare!) You don’t have to attend worship to attend the groups and you are putting yourself in a space to connect. If you’re not into creedal religions, try Unitarian Universalism, Buddhism, Secular Jewish Communities, non-denominational churches, or see if the Sunday Assembly has a chapter in your area.
If you have kids, set up playdates that allow for you and the other parents to talk. Meet in each other’s homes (you’ll see this is a bit of a theme huh), go on a hike or pack a picnic lunch. As a neurodivergent parent of an autistic child, this can be a great way to connect with other neuro-complex people in a low-commitment sort of way that allows you to slowly build a connection. When conversation is awkward, you can just sit quietly together and watch the kids play and you have an easy out if you’d like to keep it short. “Oh, my son looks tired. I guess we should be going.”
Don’t underestimate the value of relationships you’ve made through social media. Some of my closest friends were people I had known for years on Facebook and Instagram but had never met in person, until one day we did. Take that step and reach out to people if you’re in their hometowns. Create a little reunion in your area for people you’ve been in groups with. Taking it from the screen to in-person is actually so much easier than it seems like it is. You could also start meeting with people over video calls - this isn’t quite as good as in person, but it’s honestly pretty close!
Some of the amazing online friends I've made <3 Get connected with local organization to do social justice work. This one is so huge, y’all. You’ll meet people, you’ll engage your values, you’ll grow and change. And there is so much research that says how key doing this kind of work is for our mental health and well being.
Join a writing community or go to artist/writer’s retreats! This is probably my favorite way to meet people who share my interests. I am currently in
‘s writing community, Gather. I’m also taking part in ’s Soul Circle here on Substack, and ‘s circles, as well as many other local classes and gatherings. (I also host writer’s communities and retreats myself if you’re interested - see below!)
I’d love to hear some ways you’ve made friends as an adult!
Falling Gently
Starting on Sept 22nd, the Autumnal Equinox, I will be leading my yearly fall program, Falling Gently right here on Substack for all paid subscribers (if you’re already a paid subscriber you don’t need to do anything else)!
6 weeks of creative prompts and cozy community to welcome in fall - And a great way to make new friends ;)
Thank you for being here! If you enjoy these posts, subscribing and sharing is just about the best thing you can do to support my work as a writer!
I spy our Nola peeps!
Infomative